Films 12 - another helping of summer mindmelt cinema

Well, it's pretty much the hottest part of the summer, so here are some more movie reviews to watch in an air-conditioned room. Or you know, a cabin in the woods that's 'off the grid,' whatever the hell your setup is. Enjoy.

'Roller Blade' - 1986

Here's another example of a film failing on so many levels that it becomes a surreal kind of masterpiece. It's also one of many, many films that aped 'Mad Max' in the mid-80's. Apparently EVERYONE thought the future would be a desolate, nuclear-damaged desert with roving bands of freaks. Huh. Well, this time around, everybody's on roller skates. Not blades, mind you, because that would make sense. There ARE a lot of switchblades, but whatever. Basically, some nuns get their power crystal stolen by the bad guys, and they skate around trying to get it back. But, there's so much more than that. This is prime 1980's trash-culture surrealism at its finest. NOTHING in the film makes sense, and it almost reaches 'Samurai Cop' levels of greatness. The best part is actually not really related to the film. The director, Donald Jackson, along with martial arts master/writer/director/actor Scott Shaw, made about 60 movies using their 'zen' technique of filmmaking, which means they don't use a script. Yes, that's right. So, you've got b-list action celebrities like Frank Stallone improvising ridiculous action and sci fi movies with a handheld camera. I CANNOT recommend their stuff enough. Unfortunately, you have to pay for it, but it's worth it. (Scroll down till you start seeing titles like 'Max Hell, Frog Warrior') They've also done about seven post-apocalyptic rollerskating films, NONE of which was a real 'sequel' to this one.

'Evil in the Woods' - 1986

Apparently 1986 was a GREAT year for cinema. This one honestly has more subplots than a Paul Thomas Anderson flick. I dunno what the deal is, but shit seems pretty homemade. It's also 'knowingly' bad. I say 'knowingly' because there are a lot of 'jokes' about what's going on in the film, but the 'jokes' aren't 'funny,' meaning it's supposed to be knowingly bad but it's actually even stupider than it thinks it is. Or something like that. It was entertaining, though, and any film where the narration is a little kid reading stories in a book is usually good for a laugh. Especially when the directors forget to use that narration more than like, 2 times, making it irrelevant. A real 'what the fuck' experience.

'Max Hell Frog Warrior' - 2002

Again, it ain't free, but 2 bucks isn't a bad price to stream some of the greatest improv-sci-fi flicks ever made. I forgot to mention that Donald Jackson of 'Roller Blade' fame ALSO did the cult classic 'Hell Comes to Frogtown' before goin' off the deep end and doing the 'zen filmmaking' thing with Scott Shaw. Needless to say, he and Shaw did about 50 frog-mutant-related movies too. This one 'follows' a flick called 'Toad Warrior' (interesting acknowledgement of the 'Mad Max vibes these dudes put off) but I don't think it's really necessary that you watch them in order. It's just barely an hour long too, so there's that. It was pretty silly, but I'd probably watch it again. Unfortunately, Amazon isn't carrying what looks to be the best Scott Shaw film, 'Rock 'N Roll Cops.' They also don't have the Sun City Girls-scored 'Guns of El Chupacabra,' How he came to work with them is beyond me, but it's awesome nonetheless.

'The Executioner 2' - 1984

Ah, the 80's. Nowadays people pretty much watch whatever the advertisers cram down their throats, but back then, you had to TRICK somebody into watching your crappy film. Whereas a company like Troma made ridiculously unrelated posters which made their sub-basement productions look like goddamn 'Animal House,' some shadier producers would just lie outright. See, there IS no 'Executioner.' There is, however, a 'Terminator' and an 'Exterminator,' and one can only guess that these folks wanted to draw in the mostly-illiterate crowd. I mean, I GUESS that's legit. If you're too stupid to read a movie box, you probably deserve to see films like this. It's actually quite entertaining, too. Kind of like 'Rambo' on PCP or something. It's a crazy Vietnam veteran taking the law into his own hands in over-the-top violent ways, so yeah, a lot like 'Rambo.' But better, and definitely crazier. Worth your time, I'd say.

Films 11 - more weirdness for summer

Been diggin' in the archives again for some odd flicks....found plenty of 'em. If you need some drunk flixxx for summertime, look no further. I'm puttin' up links again, so you don't have to even hunt 'em out.

'Samurai Cop' - 1989

This is it. This is the ULTIMATE bad movie. Forget your 'Room' or your 'Plan 9' or even your 'Troll 2.' This takes the cake. What's more, it's kind of like a weird amalgam of all those films. The acting is awful, the dialog is terrible to the point of being bizarre, the storyline is more convoluted than a head shop employee's urine, and it's pure fucking 80's. Basically, you've got a cop who's been brought in to fight some gangsters. He's the best of the best, and he's also a Samurai warrior who 'speaks fluent Japanese.' However, he doesn't really do any police work and spends most of his time getting laid while his 'friends' get shot, stabbed, and burned. He's STILL supposed to be the hero despite this, and despite his awful dialog which makes him sound like a total asshole. Throw in a complete lack of understanding of Japanese culture, and a writer/director who probably doesn't speak English too well, and you've got a classic film. I also read somewhere that Iranian filmmaker Amir Shervan would often neglect to get permits, and one time was arrested for going 100 in a residential area with a rented stunt cop car. Upon being arrested, he threatened to  burn the police officers' houses down and kill their families. Yeah. See this at ONCE. Dude's got two other English flicks, and they both sound promising.

'For Y'ur Height Only' - 1981

I posted this a week or so ago, but for the record, it's a Filipino parody of the James Bond flicks starring a midget named Weng Weng as 'Agent 00.' The only thing is, it's not all that funny....sure, it's got some jokes, but no more than a regular Bond film. It's more like a straight tribute to Bond with a midget instead. Okay....That being said, I liked it a lot more than most 80's Bond flicks I've seen, and it was totally entertaining. Not badly made, either, just unusual. The Filipino people apparently aren't too proud of this film, as it was the ONLY thing that drew any attention from a Filipino film festival organized by the First Lady.

'Scalps' - 1983

I can't do much better than this review from RateYourMusic user Cinematery:

"This is one of those movies that is so bad that it transcends all preconceived notions of what good and bad is to deliver a truly surreal experience. And it's been a favorite of mine for a long time. To put it frankly, "Scalps" is amazing. An ancient demon runs around in blue jeans and tennis shoes (before anyone is possessed). Superimposed monster masks appear out of thin air and spout mumbo jumbo. A mysterious cat/man creature appears at random times and is never explained. It's pitch black night and broad daylight in the same scenes. The music is often eerie and oddly hypnotic, but very strange in some ways I can't quite put my finger on. Most of the kills are shown immediately at the beginning for no reason at all. There are long stretches where nothing happens, yet they somehow feel like those dreams you have that are nightmares in tone, despite nothing too nightmarish really happening. Of course, there are other scenes where plenty happens: rape, splattery deaths, and whatnot. This movie has one of the most hysterical (yet realistic-looking) decapitations I've ever seen. In summation, unless you're put to sleep by it and hate bad movies on principle, "Scalps" has quite a bit to offer for the trash connosseiur or even the good-humored surrealist."

'Miami Connection' - 1986

Another film that, while not quite as entertaining as 'Samurai Cop,' is pure undiluted 80's entertainment. This is like 'Karate Kid,' 'Miami Vice,' and some shitty afterschool special all rolled into one. According to my friend, it was also the basis for a pretty good video game. So, then....you've got your good and evil gangs. The good gang is pretty puke...they're an awful synth-rock band who does Tae-Kwon-Do and is more fucking ethnically diverse than the Magic School Bus. The bad gang is pretty lame too, but you still don't mind seeing them kick the synth kids' asses. Also, there's a third gang, kind of...ANOTHER synth rock group who writes shitty 'bad guy' songs about cocaine, and get their gig at a bar stolen by the good guys. They're pretty much pissed at everybody. Apparently, the director/actor (you KNOW it's gonna be fucked when you see that...) did this film, and nothing else ever. Good deal. It's also currently on Netflix, if you swing that way.

...more to come...