Reader submission: Dracula-themed short film in the spirit of the holidays

I always like it when somebody sends me their own work, and it doesn't happen nearly enough.

whimperwarrior@gmail.com is where you can contact me with your music, films, art, etc.

Here's an interesting little short film I was sent earlier in the week, just in time for All Hallow's Eve. 'Danse Macabre' comes from Chicago indie filmmaker Derek Quint and his Addovolt Productions. It fits right in with the movies I usually post here, as it's intentionally designed to have that timeless, b-movie look. My guess would be 16mm film, but it could be digital post-effects. Either way, it has that cool look to it, and aside from a few modern-looking people in a crowd shot, it definitely succeeds in feeling out-of-time.

The plot consists of Dracula and his brides riding around in a limo on Halloween. When they stop for the girls to buy some jewelry, Dracula is kidnapped by some Vatican officials who plan to do away with him for good. Interestingly, the director chose to have the vampire characters ACTUALLY speak in Transylvanian, and the Vatican officials speak in Italian.

I won't give away the rest of the plot, but the mood definitely trumps everything else in importance. It feels like a less-disgusting John Waters short film, with the gaudy costumes and big ideas put on bargain-quality film. There is a choice moment where a guy on the subway is looking at the cast members, and you can tell it was unintentional.

I'm not up on my Dracula mythology, but the fact that Mr. Quint chose to use the Transylvanian language tells me there are probably other allusions to other vampire-based works here as well. Regardless, it's a fun little piece of independent filmmaking from some fellow b-movie aficionados.



Check out Derek's blog for Addovolt Productions here.

New blog

I started a new blog, exclusively for my movie reviews. I will probably be posting more frequently in it than I do here:

Obscuro Films

Outsider cinema, vol. 2 - 'Hawk Jones'

First off, this post does NOT include a download link for the movie, BUT, it is extremely affordable from the creator's website, and I'd encourage all of you to support them.

This is one of the most bizarre things to come out of the 1980's VHS era that I've ever seen. We will start off with a quote from the director's website:

"Hawk Jones was the brainchild of Tor Lowry.  Tor got the idea for Hawk Jones when he saw a Bill Cosby Jello commercial in which all the kids were dressed as adults.  Tor thought that would make for an interesting movie to have an all child cast and his brother, Rico, agreed.  "

Yep. The only film I'm aware of with an all-children cast...but it's also not FOR children.

The plot is not very good, and the script isn't either...it's your basic thriller/crime caper with 40's film noir references. Obviously, though, that doesn't matter, because it's ALL CHILDREN.

So, it's an hour and a half of kids smoking cigars, driving cars, shooting each other up (yes, there is blood), hanging out at bars, and talking like 1940's adults ('The streets are no place for dames!'). All of which makes for an incredible viewing experience.

One review I read claimed that this is the type of film you couldn't get away with making in modern times, which is definitely true. I'm surprised that they found a whole cast of children whose parents were cool with this back in '86 or whatever. I mean, some of it is borderline creepy. Judging by the info on the director's website, they did have trouble finding a distributor, even in the anything-goes VHS era.

What's weirder is that it's actually well done...it does look to be shot-on-video, but the editing is flawless, and all the sets are well-decorated. My guess is that an extremely wealthy person did this, and had enough sense to hire people for production than do it himself. Somehow, he also found some pretty decent child actors...I mean, a few of them are REALLY good for how old they are.

Here are a few highlights:

-A kid hitman named 'The Eliminator' who wears some bizarre homemade sunglasses and a golfer hat.

-A lengthy, awkward scene where two kids 'make eyes' at each other.

-Multiple kid gangsters with drawn-on facial hair who keep asking their boss 'want me to waste him??'

-The music, which is gloriously 80's but also would be more appropriate for an early Olsen twins film or something.

-A kid playing an old man, complete with a walker and grey wig.

Yeah, it's great. I also wonder if any of these kids went on to become 'real' actors?

Outsider cinema, vol. 1 - 'Double Down'

It's been brought to my attention that some of you may be interested in this film...I uploaded it to share with a couple of interested parties on the RateYourMusic website, but the fact that people are asking about it means it's pretty damn hard to find...

I'm hoping that director Neil Breen doesn't sue the shit out of me, or get my Mediafire account taken down, but we will see. I don't necessarily feel bad about posting it, as Mr. Breen sort of condemns his films to obscurity each time he makes a new one. I even contacted him a while back about his second feature, 'I Am Here....Now' and he told me he wasn't making anymore copies. This one (his first film) is even harder to come by.

So, basically, this is 'outsider' cinema...made by a fairly successful real estate agent (the realty king of Las Vegas) who uses his earnings to make b-movies that he writes, directs, and stars in (and even does some of the music for, I think.) Which, if you know anything about film, means there is a LOT of room for things to go wrong...lots of situations where nobody else gives input or says 'maybe you shouldn't put that in your movie.' Fans of Tommy Wiseau's 'The Room' and 'Troll 2' would definitely be into his stuff. I'd wager that Breen creates even WEIRDER films...

Whereas Mr. Breen's two more recent movies are kinda sci-fi action, his first is mainly an action/thriller (I guess?!) with a LITTLE bit of fantasy thrown in for good measure.

Oh yeah, before I go any further, just in case Neil stumbles across this post...I have NOTHING negative to say about this movie. I will probably watch it over and over. Yes, it's basically a how-to on making a movie completely wrong, but that doesn't matter. It's pure entertainment, and it's also demented as hell.

The 'plot' concerns a genius computer hacker (who seems to not really know anything about computer) who is trying to save the world with his skillz, after years of working for anybody who will pay. It's unclear what he really does, but he spends a lot of time waking up halfway in his car in the desert (seriously, this happens about 10 times, and it's all different shots, so I'm not really sure if it's supposed to be a flashback or what) and dicking around with a whole bunch of laptops that never seem to be on. Most of the film is actually just that...the hacker (played by Breen) driving around Las Vegas with a car full of laptops.

Everything is held together by a voiceover explaining the story, that disappears halfway through for seemingly no reason...then reappears towards the end. Oh yeah, and somewhere along the way, the main character realizes he has the ability to cure cancer with his mind(!)

EVERYTHING you could want to go wrong most certainly does, from head-shaking music cues, to bizarre dialog, to the distinctly skewed worldview the film creates. And it's all completely awesome.

GET IT. Now, before the feds come for me...

HERE
HERE
HERE
and HERE

Also, if YOU somehow have a copy of 'I Am Here....Now'...help me out?

Films 15 - Bizarro Jerry's trip thru vintage anime OVAs part 1

Haven't done a movie post in a while because I got stuck on weirdo sci-fi anime, which I've never really posted up here. So, if you're into that, here are some of the things I was watching.

'Baoh the Caller' - 1989

This one stuck out as rather strange. Sure, the plot is kinda similar to a lot of other 80's OVAs (people given weird powers by the government/military/corporate giant) but it's done fairly well and it's cheesy in all the right spots. There are also a whole heap of bizarre, unexplained things happening, and a lot of head-exploding goodness. If you haven't seen much anime but want to give this stuff a try (believe me, it's NOTHING like the streamlined shit Adult Swim puts out) this is a pretty good place to start.

'Darkside Blues' - 1994

This isn't like anything else I've seen, really. It is very stylish, and a lot more mysterious/suspenseful than most sci-fi animes. It's definitely not all blood, guts and robots. In fact, the only 'robot' in it turns out to be a regular guy. There is also a demented homeless blues musician, alternate-universe storylines, and a shit ton of surreal imagery. The opening scene is a little graphic, but don't worry, this one is much more tame than some of the stuff out there. It's also by the creator of 'Vampire Hunter D,' so you know it's classy.

'California Crisis' - 1986

I don't know why, but I really like Japan's take on 1980's American pop culture. It's so flawed and insane. They must've thought we did nothing but dance and eat cheeseburgers, and that's pretty much what happens here. This isn't a bloody one, or an 'artistic' film. It's just non-stop 80's action and super-stylish animation. I don't think I've seen anything MORE 80's than this. From what I remember, some guy and girl come into possession of some weird orb and get chased by gangsters for it. It's only 40 minutes, so the generic storytelling doesn't get boring.

'Cyber City Oedo 808' - 1990

This is pretty much the epitome of splat-fi cyberpunk anime. I liked it a lot better than more well-known stuff like 'Appleseed' and 'A.D. Police File,' and while a lot of anime fans seem to hate on English dubs, this one is fucking demented. So much unnecessary swearing! Plus, it's graphically violent, overflowing with creativity, and every one of the three episodes has ex-cons being mean to a C3P0-esque robot.

'Take the X Train' -  1987

When it opened with a dedication to Duke Ellington, I wasn't sure what to expect. But, indeed, this is a jazzy little OVA. It's more like an art-picture than some of the stuff I've posted here, and my only complaint was that the dialog was a little too fast to watch it with subtitles. Unfortunately, there is not an English dub, but oh well. It's an interesting (and also not especially violent or disturbing) story about a guy who works for a railway company that is trying to capture a ghost train. He has some kind of a link with the train, and his nose starts bleeding whenever it comes by. It just gets weirder from there. A lot of stuff happens for no reason. But, if you're into experimental filmmaking, this is worth checking out for sure.

...hopefully I will find time to post a LOT more because I watched like way too many of these things.

Films 14 - October part 2

Alright, a week later and I've watched like 20 more movies, so here are some reviews. These are, of course, low-budget horror films in the spirit of the season.

'Twisted Issues' - 1988

This might be THE coolest punk film of all time. And that's coming from someone who grew up on shit like 'Repo Man' and 'Suburbia' (the cool one, not the shitty 90's one.) Yes, it's shot-on-video, and uses members of the Gainesville, FL punk scene as actors, but if those aren't immediate turnoffs for you, then you should definitely check this out. What started as a documentary on Florida punk turned into a splatter-film involving a power struggle between two bizarre godlike characters (one who spends his time watching TV and taking turns with his girlfriend at murdering each other), a resurrected straight-edge skater, and plenty of stoned and drunk debauchery. It's much more intelligent than your average SOV flick, and a hell of a lot more fun, too. And, it's got a GREAT soundtrack of mid-80's Gainesville punk. Look out for the 'butt people.' You'll see what I mean. Oh yeah, get it from director Charles Pinion himself because he's a swell dude.

'The Bloody Video Horror That Made Me Puke On My Aunt Gertrude' - 1989

Yes, that's the real title of those messy SOV flick. And, as most other reviews will tell you, it's not really all that bloody, and it's just barely a horror film. It's got awful production values and REALLY bad acting, but that's not a reason to avoid it. In my opinion, this is is the movie 'Clerks' would have been if Randall had written and directed it instead of Kevin Smith. It concerns a snarky, lazy video store employee who rents out some equipment to a weird middle-eastern guy who uses it to make a snuff film. Then, for some reason, he accidentally leaves his video in the recorder. To cover his tracks, he kills the young man's boss. Said boss had trouble with the mob, so the video store guy assumes it's the mob who killed his boss, so HE kills a mob guy. There are some ridiculous plot twists I won't give away, but suffice to say most of the film consists of the lazy dude saying mean shit to his boss and being a dick to customers. Whatever the case, from the typed cast list at the beginning to the half-assed ending, this is a film that really doesn't care if you like it or not. I love stuff like this, because when else but the 80's could movies like this end up on the shelves of video stores? It's about an hour-ten, and I didn't feel like I totally wasted a night by watching it. In fact, I'll probably watch it again. Oh yeah, the director also did that awful 'Vampiyaz' movie that Something Awful made fun of a while back. The more you know.

'Things' - 1989

This is what happens when drunk, stoned and demented backwoods Canadian dudes make a splatter-horror film. It has nothing to do with the 'real' world, and makes about as much sense as 'Eraserhead,' but with a room of friends, you can't go wrong with this one. So, you've got a couple guys from 'New York' (yeah, sure) who visit one of their brothers in backwoods Canada. His wife is pregnant, so they need to be quiet, which doesn't really make sense because it seems like they are visiting for a weekend of beer-drinking and partying. Then, she gives birth to some weird insect creatures (which subsequently kill her) and all hell breaks loose. Well, kind of. See, none of the characters really appear to give a shit about this, and they continue to drink, say weird things, make sandwiches, and play tricks on each other the whole time. One guy disappears 'into the 4th dimension' but is back later for no reason. Another guy gets killed at least a few times, but is unphased by it. And, the whole thing is scored with some seriously weird synth music. Yeah. It's fucked. Definitely one of the strangest things I've ever seen, and perfect if you want a horror movie but don't want to deal with all the gore, because it's really not that bad. It's also the first straight-to-video horror flick to come out of Canada, which the director seems REALLY proud of.

'Alien Dead' - 1980

Early effort from trash-god Fred Olen Ray, who also did 'Scalps.'  and like a million other trashy horror flicks. Unfortunately, this one isn't nearly as weird or well-done as 'Scalps,' and it was actually pretty boring. I fell asleep and didn't catch the ending. Oh well. From what I remember, it has to do with some rednecks huntin' gators and instead finding some weird radioactive aliens who kill them. That's about it. There are lots of better films with similar plots, but if you're a fan of Ray's work, it's worth checking out.

'Slaughterhouse' - 1987

One of my all-time favorite slashers. This film scared the shit out of me when I was ten, but now it's just kinda silly in the way that 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2' is. In fact, it's pretty similar to that film thematically, though not as funny and original. It's about a fat, mentally handicapped guy named Buddy whose dad runs a failing slaughterhouse. While his dad wants to keep things 'old-fashioned,' some slaughterhouse corporate fatcats (I guess there's probably such a thing...?) are trying to buy him out and turn it into a 'modern' slaughterhouse. Or something like that. The dad foolishly gives Buddy a giant butcher knife for his birthday (oh, dad!) and Buddy proceeds to kill all his dad's enemies, and any teenagers that get in his way (and there are plenty.) A good-time, down-home slasher for ya if you've watched things like 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' and 'Friday the 13th' too many times.

'Terror Toons' - 2002

Okay, finally into some more 'recent' stuff I guess. I tend to only watch older stuff, so I steered clear of this one for a while (especially since it's a no-budget horror film about evil puppets) but oh man was I wrong to do so. This is one of the most original trash-flicks I've seen in a long time, and director Joe Castro does incredibly with the little he has. The story is pretty simple...a girl's parents are gone for the weekend, so she watches a cartoon video while her sister parties with dudes. The cartoons come out of the TV and kill them all. Hilarity ensues. And yes, this is a hilarious film, and intentionally so. It's also very weird and colorful, and has been described as a bizarro-world version of a Tex Avery cartoon (live-action style, that is.) It's got lots of old-school computer animation and off-color jokes. It reminds me of something Charles Band would cook up, if he was smoking PCP nonstop.alien d

Films 13 - October part 1

Welllll, it's that time of the year again, and these posts seem to be the most popular, so here's a few more oddball horror flicks to watch around Halloween-time. I might throw together another 'sounds of fall' list too, so look out for that, I guess. Or don't.

'Killing Spree' - 1987

In the 9th 'films' post, I reviewed a flick called 'Truth or Dare?: A Critical Madness.' It was an odd mess of a slasher flick made by Tim Ritter and featured a guy getting into increasingly violent games of truth or dare with everyone he meets. Ritter apparently has SEVERAL similar films, and all of them seem equally entertaining. There are about 5 sequels to the 'Truth or Dare' movie as well. Unfortunately, the only other one of his movies I could track down was this 1987 low-budget oddity. Well, not 'unfortunately' really because it's completely awesome. If anything, it's weirder and more disjointed than 'Truth or Dare,' but with a slightly lower budget. He kinda promotes these monsters like they're 'regular' slasher flicks, which I don't understand how anyone could fall for...I mean, everything is just so WRONG. It's similar in plot to 'Truth or Dare,' in that a guy catches his wife cheating and goes ape shit. However, he doesn't 'really' catch her cheating because he just keeps finding her diary. Then he kills all of her supposed lovers, and punches out a few random beach bums for no reason. Woops, turns out she was just writing steamy romance stories(!). So, keep in mind it's a fairly 'reality'-based slasher...no supernatural elements...until all the dead people randomly come back to life halfway through. Yeah. It's nuts. See it at once. Don't worry, I didn't ruin the plot for you, because it's completely see-through the whole time. But yeah, this one's totally great.

'Dead Ringers' - 1988

Here's a Cronenberg flick for ya. I never saw this one back in the day. Don't know why, because I've always loved 'Videodrome' and 'Scanners.' Just got lost in the shuffle. Anyways, it's pretty good. Not the best he's done. Kinda slow and boring in parts, but it's an interesting story. I guess it's more of a 'psychological drama' than a true horror film, but it's got some pretty terrifying parts. Two twin brothers share lives until an actress chick gets in the way and one falls in love with her. Then, one gets strung out on drugs while the other one gets more successful. Then he also gets strung out on drugs because why not? They're also gynecologists, but it's not a super-gross film or anything. That might've been what put me off this one initially, knowing Cronenberg's tendency for splatter. It's pretty tame by his standards. Probably won't watch it again. Oh well. He still rules.

'Demon City Shinjuku' - 1988

Never really thought of putting an anime horror in one of these lists, so here's the first. This is a slow-burning, menacing flick. Kind of a 'traditional' anime-horror plot...city is possessed by evil, one guy has to stop it, turns out it's family-related. But, it's particularly well-done, and it's got some real imaginative animation.

'Eyes of Fire' - 1983

This is one of the most interesting 'gothic' horror flicks I've ever seen. It's got a pretty low budget, too, but you really can't tell. It plays like a cross between a slightly less surreal 'El Topo' and 'Salem's Lot.' It's a pre-revolution era story about some colonist folks who live in a super-puritanical village in the south. The town preacher is sleeping with some lady who he's giving a home to while her husband is out exploring, and the rest of the town doesn't play that shit, so they try to hang him. He's got a mute supernatural girl on his side, though, and she helps him out. Then, they all decide to leave the town so they don't get killed. They end up in a weird abandoned town out in the woods which the preacher says is 'perfectly alright' to stay in. It's not, however, and some evil spirits who live inside trees start messing with them. Acid-weirdness ensues. I'd say watch this one alone. It's actually pretty frightening, and has a lot of cool visuals, mostly thanks to the director's photography experience. He did that one Tragically Hip album cover with the dog on it. This one's really good, definitely need to re-watch it a few times.

...that's it for now...I'll put some more up once I watch more movies.

Films 12 - another helping of summer mindmelt cinema

Well, it's pretty much the hottest part of the summer, so here are some more movie reviews to watch in an air-conditioned room. Or you know, a cabin in the woods that's 'off the grid,' whatever the hell your setup is. Enjoy.

'Roller Blade' - 1986

Here's another example of a film failing on so many levels that it becomes a surreal kind of masterpiece. It's also one of many, many films that aped 'Mad Max' in the mid-80's. Apparently EVERYONE thought the future would be a desolate, nuclear-damaged desert with roving bands of freaks. Huh. Well, this time around, everybody's on roller skates. Not blades, mind you, because that would make sense. There ARE a lot of switchblades, but whatever. Basically, some nuns get their power crystal stolen by the bad guys, and they skate around trying to get it back. But, there's so much more than that. This is prime 1980's trash-culture surrealism at its finest. NOTHING in the film makes sense, and it almost reaches 'Samurai Cop' levels of greatness. The best part is actually not really related to the film. The director, Donald Jackson, along with martial arts master/writer/director/actor Scott Shaw, made about 60 movies using their 'zen' technique of filmmaking, which means they don't use a script. Yes, that's right. So, you've got b-list action celebrities like Frank Stallone improvising ridiculous action and sci fi movies with a handheld camera. I CANNOT recommend their stuff enough. Unfortunately, you have to pay for it, but it's worth it. (Scroll down till you start seeing titles like 'Max Hell, Frog Warrior') They've also done about seven post-apocalyptic rollerskating films, NONE of which was a real 'sequel' to this one.

'Evil in the Woods' - 1986

Apparently 1986 was a GREAT year for cinema. This one honestly has more subplots than a Paul Thomas Anderson flick. I dunno what the deal is, but shit seems pretty homemade. It's also 'knowingly' bad. I say 'knowingly' because there are a lot of 'jokes' about what's going on in the film, but the 'jokes' aren't 'funny,' meaning it's supposed to be knowingly bad but it's actually even stupider than it thinks it is. Or something like that. It was entertaining, though, and any film where the narration is a little kid reading stories in a book is usually good for a laugh. Especially when the directors forget to use that narration more than like, 2 times, making it irrelevant. A real 'what the fuck' experience.

'Max Hell Frog Warrior' - 2002

Again, it ain't free, but 2 bucks isn't a bad price to stream some of the greatest improv-sci-fi flicks ever made. I forgot to mention that Donald Jackson of 'Roller Blade' fame ALSO did the cult classic 'Hell Comes to Frogtown' before goin' off the deep end and doing the 'zen filmmaking' thing with Scott Shaw. Needless to say, he and Shaw did about 50 frog-mutant-related movies too. This one 'follows' a flick called 'Toad Warrior' (interesting acknowledgement of the 'Mad Max vibes these dudes put off) but I don't think it's really necessary that you watch them in order. It's just barely an hour long too, so there's that. It was pretty silly, but I'd probably watch it again. Unfortunately, Amazon isn't carrying what looks to be the best Scott Shaw film, 'Rock 'N Roll Cops.' They also don't have the Sun City Girls-scored 'Guns of El Chupacabra,' How he came to work with them is beyond me, but it's awesome nonetheless.

'The Executioner 2' - 1984

Ah, the 80's. Nowadays people pretty much watch whatever the advertisers cram down their throats, but back then, you had to TRICK somebody into watching your crappy film. Whereas a company like Troma made ridiculously unrelated posters which made their sub-basement productions look like goddamn 'Animal House,' some shadier producers would just lie outright. See, there IS no 'Executioner.' There is, however, a 'Terminator' and an 'Exterminator,' and one can only guess that these folks wanted to draw in the mostly-illiterate crowd. I mean, I GUESS that's legit. If you're too stupid to read a movie box, you probably deserve to see films like this. It's actually quite entertaining, too. Kind of like 'Rambo' on PCP or something. It's a crazy Vietnam veteran taking the law into his own hands in over-the-top violent ways, so yeah, a lot like 'Rambo.' But better, and definitely crazier. Worth your time, I'd say.

...had to post this...

So, this is a real thing:




...and it's on Youtube in 6 parts, so you should probably watch it. I wouldn't really call it a 'parody' even though everyone seems to describe it as such...it's actually better and more action-packed than most of the older James Bond films I've seen...plus the dude slides everywhere. You'll know what I mean if you watch it. Do it. NOW.