Films 12 - another helping of summer mindmelt cinema

Well, it's pretty much the hottest part of the summer, so here are some more movie reviews to watch in an air-conditioned room. Or you know, a cabin in the woods that's 'off the grid,' whatever the hell your setup is. Enjoy.

'Roller Blade' - 1986

Here's another example of a film failing on so many levels that it becomes a surreal kind of masterpiece. It's also one of many, many films that aped 'Mad Max' in the mid-80's. Apparently EVERYONE thought the future would be a desolate, nuclear-damaged desert with roving bands of freaks. Huh. Well, this time around, everybody's on roller skates. Not blades, mind you, because that would make sense. There ARE a lot of switchblades, but whatever. Basically, some nuns get their power crystal stolen by the bad guys, and they skate around trying to get it back. But, there's so much more than that. This is prime 1980's trash-culture surrealism at its finest. NOTHING in the film makes sense, and it almost reaches 'Samurai Cop' levels of greatness. The best part is actually not really related to the film. The director, Donald Jackson, along with martial arts master/writer/director/actor Scott Shaw, made about 60 movies using their 'zen' technique of filmmaking, which means they don't use a script. Yes, that's right. So, you've got b-list action celebrities like Frank Stallone improvising ridiculous action and sci fi movies with a handheld camera. I CANNOT recommend their stuff enough. Unfortunately, you have to pay for it, but it's worth it. (Scroll down till you start seeing titles like 'Max Hell, Frog Warrior') They've also done about seven post-apocalyptic rollerskating films, NONE of which was a real 'sequel' to this one.

'Evil in the Woods' - 1986

Apparently 1986 was a GREAT year for cinema. This one honestly has more subplots than a Paul Thomas Anderson flick. I dunno what the deal is, but shit seems pretty homemade. It's also 'knowingly' bad. I say 'knowingly' because there are a lot of 'jokes' about what's going on in the film, but the 'jokes' aren't 'funny,' meaning it's supposed to be knowingly bad but it's actually even stupider than it thinks it is. Or something like that. It was entertaining, though, and any film where the narration is a little kid reading stories in a book is usually good for a laugh. Especially when the directors forget to use that narration more than like, 2 times, making it irrelevant. A real 'what the fuck' experience.

'Max Hell Frog Warrior' - 2002

Again, it ain't free, but 2 bucks isn't a bad price to stream some of the greatest improv-sci-fi flicks ever made. I forgot to mention that Donald Jackson of 'Roller Blade' fame ALSO did the cult classic 'Hell Comes to Frogtown' before goin' off the deep end and doing the 'zen filmmaking' thing with Scott Shaw. Needless to say, he and Shaw did about 50 frog-mutant-related movies too. This one 'follows' a flick called 'Toad Warrior' (interesting acknowledgement of the 'Mad Max vibes these dudes put off) but I don't think it's really necessary that you watch them in order. It's just barely an hour long too, so there's that. It was pretty silly, but I'd probably watch it again. Unfortunately, Amazon isn't carrying what looks to be the best Scott Shaw film, 'Rock 'N Roll Cops.' They also don't have the Sun City Girls-scored 'Guns of El Chupacabra,' How he came to work with them is beyond me, but it's awesome nonetheless.

'The Executioner 2' - 1984

Ah, the 80's. Nowadays people pretty much watch whatever the advertisers cram down their throats, but back then, you had to TRICK somebody into watching your crappy film. Whereas a company like Troma made ridiculously unrelated posters which made their sub-basement productions look like goddamn 'Animal House,' some shadier producers would just lie outright. See, there IS no 'Executioner.' There is, however, a 'Terminator' and an 'Exterminator,' and one can only guess that these folks wanted to draw in the mostly-illiterate crowd. I mean, I GUESS that's legit. If you're too stupid to read a movie box, you probably deserve to see films like this. It's actually quite entertaining, too. Kind of like 'Rambo' on PCP or something. It's a crazy Vietnam veteran taking the law into his own hands in over-the-top violent ways, so yeah, a lot like 'Rambo.' But better, and definitely crazier. Worth your time, I'd say.

Films 11 - more weirdness for summer

Been diggin' in the archives again for some odd flicks....found plenty of 'em. If you need some drunk flixxx for summertime, look no further. I'm puttin' up links again, so you don't have to even hunt 'em out.

'Samurai Cop' - 1989

This is it. This is the ULTIMATE bad movie. Forget your 'Room' or your 'Plan 9' or even your 'Troll 2.' This takes the cake. What's more, it's kind of like a weird amalgam of all those films. The acting is awful, the dialog is terrible to the point of being bizarre, the storyline is more convoluted than a head shop employee's urine, and it's pure fucking 80's. Basically, you've got a cop who's been brought in to fight some gangsters. He's the best of the best, and he's also a Samurai warrior who 'speaks fluent Japanese.' However, he doesn't really do any police work and spends most of his time getting laid while his 'friends' get shot, stabbed, and burned. He's STILL supposed to be the hero despite this, and despite his awful dialog which makes him sound like a total asshole. Throw in a complete lack of understanding of Japanese culture, and a writer/director who probably doesn't speak English too well, and you've got a classic film. I also read somewhere that Iranian filmmaker Amir Shervan would often neglect to get permits, and one time was arrested for going 100 in a residential area with a rented stunt cop car. Upon being arrested, he threatened to  burn the police officers' houses down and kill their families. Yeah. See this at ONCE. Dude's got two other English flicks, and they both sound promising.

'For Y'ur Height Only' - 1981

I posted this a week or so ago, but for the record, it's a Filipino parody of the James Bond flicks starring a midget named Weng Weng as 'Agent 00.' The only thing is, it's not all that funny....sure, it's got some jokes, but no more than a regular Bond film. It's more like a straight tribute to Bond with a midget instead. Okay....That being said, I liked it a lot more than most 80's Bond flicks I've seen, and it was totally entertaining. Not badly made, either, just unusual. The Filipino people apparently aren't too proud of this film, as it was the ONLY thing that drew any attention from a Filipino film festival organized by the First Lady.

'Scalps' - 1983

I can't do much better than this review from RateYourMusic user Cinematery:

"This is one of those movies that is so bad that it transcends all preconceived notions of what good and bad is to deliver a truly surreal experience. And it's been a favorite of mine for a long time. To put it frankly, "Scalps" is amazing. An ancient demon runs around in blue jeans and tennis shoes (before anyone is possessed). Superimposed monster masks appear out of thin air and spout mumbo jumbo. A mysterious cat/man creature appears at random times and is never explained. It's pitch black night and broad daylight in the same scenes. The music is often eerie and oddly hypnotic, but very strange in some ways I can't quite put my finger on. Most of the kills are shown immediately at the beginning for no reason at all. There are long stretches where nothing happens, yet they somehow feel like those dreams you have that are nightmares in tone, despite nothing too nightmarish really happening. Of course, there are other scenes where plenty happens: rape, splattery deaths, and whatnot. This movie has one of the most hysterical (yet realistic-looking) decapitations I've ever seen. In summation, unless you're put to sleep by it and hate bad movies on principle, "Scalps" has quite a bit to offer for the trash connosseiur or even the good-humored surrealist."

'Miami Connection' - 1986

Another film that, while not quite as entertaining as 'Samurai Cop,' is pure undiluted 80's entertainment. This is like 'Karate Kid,' 'Miami Vice,' and some shitty afterschool special all rolled into one. According to my friend, it was also the basis for a pretty good video game. So, then....you've got your good and evil gangs. The good gang is pretty puke...they're an awful synth-rock band who does Tae-Kwon-Do and is more fucking ethnically diverse than the Magic School Bus. The bad gang is pretty lame too, but you still don't mind seeing them kick the synth kids' asses. Also, there's a third gang, kind of...ANOTHER synth rock group who writes shitty 'bad guy' songs about cocaine, and get their gig at a bar stolen by the good guys. They're pretty much pissed at everybody. Apparently, the director/actor (you KNOW it's gonna be fucked when you see that...) did this film, and nothing else ever. Good deal. It's also currently on Netflix, if you swing that way.

...more to come...

Films 10 - mindfuck flicks for summer...

Alriiiiiiggghhhhtt,,,,

I sifted through some more garbage to find y'all the coolest underground low-budget shit I can muster.

...with LINKS this time:

'Tuesday Never Comes' - 1993

Surrealist 'Scarface'-esque drug kingpin story from writer/director/actor Jason Holt who made this ridiculous film I've yet to see. Troma re-released this flick, so that should let ya know it's quality. In fact, the sleazy vibe this dude conjures up is much more natural than most of Troma's sleaze. I dunno, I always felt like 'Scarface' was way too big-budget to be as seedy as it was trying to be, so this is like a much more accurate version of 'coked-out nightmare.' Holt himself plays an Irish former priest who's looking to get revenge on the mob for not paying him. The mob is mostly Erik Estrada who smokes crack and makes crazy faces throughout. By the time Holt's character is smoking crack in the sewer and chilling with rats, you know this thing's gone off the deep end. Weird stuff. Like Holt says, be careful if yer gonna watch it alone, because it IS a head trip. Holt also apparently had a musical alter-ego in the 70's called 'Daniel,' whose lone album is pretty high-up on collector's lists. You can hear some of the tracks here, which features Holt singing and playing an amplified cello(!) Oh yeah, if you have a link for 'Desperation Rising,' PLEASE share it with me, I'd love to see this thing...

'Death Warmed Up (aka Death Warmed Over)' - 1984

Supposedly the first horror flick out of New Zealand which, if you're familiar with the work of Peter Jackson,  should indicate that this is nutzoid. In fact, I don't think I've seen a more dreamlike film. Right from the first scene of the main character running feverishly through a hospital (never explained) this shit just drops you in its own world and doesn't let up. Basically, you've got a punkish guy who gets experimented on by an evil doctor...he then (under the doctor's mind control) kills his parents and goes to the psych ward. When he gets out, obviously the first thing he wants to do is fuck the doctor's shit up, so he brings some friends (who don't know the story) on a 'weekend getaway' to the doctor's private island dealie. However, the doctor's evil biker zombies (you read that right) are messing things up and the revenge plot gets left behind until the VERY end and it's mostly just people trying to survive the biker maniacs. None of this is explicitly laid out, though. It's all gathered through weird, surreal sequences that left me more confused than scared. It's kind of like someone SERIOUSLY mentally disturbed tried to make a 'regular' horror flick, and this is what came out. Oh yeah, it's deadly serious too, despite the plot. A unique film experience.

'The Abomination' - 1986

Rural Texas trash made all the creepier by the backwoods vibe of the filmmakers. Upon describing this film to a friend, he said it sounded like 'redneck Cronenberg' and this is pretty accurate. For the probably 7 dollar budget, the effects in this film are pretty outstanding. A guy who lives with his mom gets taken over by an evil tumor she coughs up, but he doesn't think much of it and starts hiding his own coughed-up tumors around the house. The tumors take over and turn into monsters with giant teeth, then he kills his friends to feed the monster because that's apparently what he's supposed to do. Oh yeah, and the first 10 minutes of this film are more like a trailer than anything, giving away ALL the gore...I guess it's supposed to be like the guy is telling a psychiatrist about the whole thing, and it may or may not have really happened...he might just be a murderer with no good reason. Whatever the case, if ya liked 'Videodrome' but wish it made even LESS sense and was created by some farmer instead, you'll love this shit.

'Arise! The SubGenius Video' - 1992

I didn't know much about the Church of the SubGenius before seeing this, but it didn't really matter. What you get is a proto-Tim and Eric video collage made by some pranksters who started a fake religion. Members include Mark Mothersbaugh (who does much of the soundtrack), Robert Anton Wilson and Paul Reubens. This is supposed to be a 'recruitment' tape for potential converts, but it plays more like a Mr. Show sketch. If you have a fairly dark sense of humor, you'll get a kick out of this weird thing. I won't give much else away, but the SubGenius Rap is pretty amazing.

'Toxic Crusaders: The Movie' - 1997

Basically the entire 'Toxic Crusaders' TV series cut down to movie length. If you've seen the show, you don't really need to see this, but if you haven't, watch this instead...it's much more bearable. If you're completely unfamiliar with this, it's the kid's cartoon based on Troma's Toxic Avenger series. Let that sink in for a second....it's a KID'S version of a film that features a headcrushing radioactive monster, created by a studio known for making the sleaziest trash around. Fuck, I even had action figures of this thing when I was a kid...I had no idea. More or less, it's 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' only dumber and with more environmental messages. If you're a fan of Kaufman and Troma, you NEED to see this. It's great.

'Drunken Wu Tang' - 1984

Absurd Kung Fu film that plays like it should be a cartoon. A ridiculous, drunken master has to fight some evil guys and make it through all these traps they set up, including the 'Watermelon Monster,' an annoying-voiced puppet. He also drives around in a tiny car that looks like a rat or something. The whole thing is pretty great. If you like the surreal nature of low-budget Kung Fu flicks, this one will be yer new favorite thing.

...alright, that's it for now.